Friday, January 11, 2008

MissiNg AnGeL ; (

Last Nite - my little angel was not with me...
The very first time since a year ago that my angel was not with me...

Thought so many things happened and I should be too tired to feel anything and could just fall asleep easily..
But I just couldn't.......................
His is with me for a year .... and I blame myself for not able to be responsible for him...
This is the second time that I failed to be a mum....
I really hate myself for not able to be with him......
How pain is it to feel that you failed again....again...again....
How irresponsible am I..........
I am not really fit to be anyone's mum...
Cos I can't provide them with care along their growth...........
Just felt so sorry ...so sorry ... my little one........ and my bigger one
sorry to both of you ........

The very first time - 14 years ago ... I'm vulnerable...helpless....unknowledgable..
So I got to let go.... It hurts me whenever I think back of this moment...
Where you are not able to care for him when he's so small...so new to the world...
He's a part of you for so long and it takes enormous pain and courage to bring him to the world...
But you got to part with him after 2 days..... so pain and so sorry, my bigger one

Now - thought I could make up of what happened before - just wanna be with the little one - to care and shower him with love and joy along his growth ...
Again - I failed........ such failure really bring me down...... and just felt that I'm so so so so sorry
Letting the little one and the bigger one - dissapoint again....
My heart was torn when the little one was brought away... hearing him cry makes me felt so wrong...
Knowing him cry - breaks my heart...
Though he's so small yet he's so bright... he knows me and needs me...
But I have to leave him.... so sorry .....
I could not ask forgiveness.... as I'm such a failure and useless

Already set up a blog for the little one - thought I could show it to him one day ... his growth with me beside...
But now... i dunno ... I'm too shame to let him know that I'm not able to accompany him along his growth..
Again .. things happened with my little angel and my bigger one
So much pain and I do blame myself so much........... so much......

Mummy love you, Damien and Darren...

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